Dear beloveds, this entry is long overdue cos I wasn't sure if I wanted to share it, but whattheheck, I think I shall anyway...
Firstly, thank you for all the prayers and love that enabled a smooth election, discernment and the discussion of our vision/mission/workplan. Personally I'm amazed, heartened and gratified by how things move and fall into place so smoothly. Although it’s only been a month since the birth of our precious community, I feel like every moment spent journeying in this group brings about new experiences and new rewards, and it’s been edifying, to say the least.
To be honest I've been bugged with many nagging fears in relation to the formation of our group. During discernment, Fr. Kenson asked us to write down all our fears. Then he asked us to go to the prayer (adoration) room to pray over and reflect on the list we wrote. During adoration, I was looking at my list of fears, and suddenly I realised how trivial and insignificant these fears were. It wasn’t so much that the fears reflected a lack of confidence in myself, or others, but that it showed a lack of faith and trust in God. Now, doubting God is a very normal thing to do, but somehow or another during the adoration, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of God’s immense love, and it occurred to me that God wouldn’t give us something we can’t handle, or abandon what has been inspired by Him. My lack of faith showed that I didn’t trust Him to carry through with His plans. Like the disciples who were so frightened during the thunderstorm that they woke Jesus up in the readings a few days ago (Mark 4: 26-34), or like the disciple who did not trust Jesus to enable him to walk on water, I too allowed fear to take the forefront and forgot how Jesus is ever faithful and will never leave me in the lurch. I felt ashamed for not trusting Him enough. I realised that these fears are obsolete and irrelevant once I am able to recognize his power and love. However I didn't make any changes to my list, but silently offered them up to God, trusting he'll take care of them.
When we gathered together after our individual quiet time, Fr. Kenson asked how many people struck off all the fears on their list, and went on to say that ideally we should be able to strike off our list of fears after praying at the adoration room if we recognize how God will take charge and there was no need to be afraid. I was taken aback because the message behind it was precisely the epiphany I got in the adoration room. It was then I realised there was truly nothing to be worried about, for He will guide our thoughts and actions and make crooked paths straight.
Subsequently, I've been receiving godly messages that affirmed this need to have faith. Some parts of the messages really struck me, like:
"when it comes to God, we tend to become stingier with our level of faith. We demand that He provide us with physical signs and evidences to show us that He is real before we believe in Him. We insist that He fulfil His promises to us before we have "faith" in His promises ... faith in man can disappoint but faith in God will never disappoint us...”
Being a rather impatient person, I've been eager to see results, wanting things to go the way I envision them to be, and feeling disheartened when they don't; but again, God spoke through his messages:
"Many of the unhappiness we experience in our life arise from our impatience and inability to endure and wait ... Let us also pray for endurance; for just as a marathon runner knows that as long as he endures any fatigue until his destination, he will achieve his goal, so we too need only endure our sufferings and discomforts and will eventually gain everything that God has promised to us."
Also, by mere chance, I got to speak and share with someone about my nagging fears, and the person provided much comfort, encouragement and advice, which really made me feel much better. It is said in Jeremiah:
"For I know well the plans I have for you, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me and I will change your lot" -Jeremiah 29:11-14
The uncertainties are sometimes really overwhelming, but the verse from Jeremiah "when you seek me with all your heart" made me realise how much more fervently I need to pray, and that he "will listen" and he is listening already, but that things will happen in His time, not mine.
I take yesterday's CG for example. I went for CG with a feeling of guilt, worry and unsettlement. But as people started coming in, this feeling of unexplainable joy filled me; it was like having family members return home for dinner after a long day; it felt nice, warm and heartening. When P&W started, I could really feel the spirit moving, it was unexplainable. What was more unexplainable was how God planned things in such a way that the groups were divided the way they were, and how He opened our hearts to being open and vulnerable with each other. It wasn't a momentous change, but it was a quiet little step, as gentle as the breeze, but one which seems to hint of hope and possibilities.
You see, one of my outstanding fears was how we still weren't as open or as close to each other. Things were progressing well, but there was just this nagging feeling that it wasn't enough, that I wanted something more. I was being impatient for results. I wanted to know how else I could help change things, what more I could do. I had however underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit and how he moves hearts when we least expect it.
This coming week we’ll be opening the doors to new people. It a momentous step which, albeit feeling excited, there’s also much apprehension and worries. But I'm learning to let go and Let God; learning to not be a control freak; learning to allow myself to be surprised by Him and not always seeking to chart the path ahead. As we continue to journey together as a community, let us also keep our spiritual life strong; that we will be open and welcoming to the new people who will join us in the coming week, and embrace them with the spirit of love and acceptance.
in His love,
Ade :)
“Therefore encourage one another and build up each other, as indeed you are doing.”—1 Thessalonians 5:11
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